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Jun. 4th, 2007

giving up on giving up

a few years ago i gave up smoking because my boyfriend at the time (a non-smoker) asked me to. this makes me a twat of the highest order, but i've done stupider things for love. not many, but i have.

with tedious predictability i cracked after three months when we had a huge argument and i smoked just to spite him. yeah, that must have really got under his skin, watching me damage my own lungs, take that you selfish bastard, i'm lighting another deathstick.

i've given up again*, and am now trying to work out why. early death ? still to young to care really, sorry. brown fingernails ? i'll wear nail varnish and be safe in the knowledge it can never, ever be as bad as my friend odge who SHAVES the brown calluses from his index and middle fingers of his right hand because there's no other way to shift them.

"coming down to the seaside, odge ?"
"yep, just give me a second to shave my fingers."

voice like an ninety ear old ex-con in the mornings ? i call it husky, thanks.

it all came down to one thing, and that is a short story i read recently, which listed - this being the non-fiction part of the story -alongside all the usual blah, the more unusual side-effects of fighting the nicotine nemesis.

insomnia. mild dyslexia. hyper-reality, the strange dreamlike state you get just before a huge panic attack. every virus going. teariness or at least, being on the verge of. inability to focus. fear.

for some reason, this appealed to me, this list of strange ailments.

that and not having a mouth like a wrinkled up anus in my forties.

 

*it has been seven days. 
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Posted at 12:57 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

May. 18th, 2007

mong-tage

someone has just played me the  mong–lite rap ‘shelia’ by jamie t.
one of the lyrics is thus;
“jack had a gang that he called the milligrams, he was known as smack jack the crackerman.”
you’d think jack would want to keep his drug habit a bit more covert.
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Posted at 12:22 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

May. 17th, 2007

pauline quirke has stigmata

i am a child. certainly in terms of juvenile humour. i’ve recently started telling people that the diabolic gwen stefani single 'the great escape' is a new single by carol vorderman called ‘3 from the top and 4 from the bottom’. you’ll be surprised - if you can maintain an air of contrived insouciance long enough – how many people believe this. especially if you crudely cut and paste a cover together and send it to people attached to an email as proof.
i mention this because a friend has just rung to tell me that not only did hmv not stock the carol vorderman album ‘another consonant please carol,’ but they’d never heard about it. i told him it was out on geffen and that he should contact the record label in case they have delayed it’s release – i can’t tell which concerns me more, the fact that a friend of mine believes this or that he’d be prepared to part with money for the wretched thing.
now i’ve begun telling people that pauline quirke has stigmata. no reason except it amuses me. unfortunately i can’t seem to muster the requisite expression to deliver this with the required impact and as a result have succeeded only in looking faintly puzzled as i tell people – more conviction is required but it’s very difficult... try it, and if only one person believes you, you win
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Posted at 03:43 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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